Nicole Richie really turned her life around when she got pregnant with her first child, Harlow, in 2007. Prior to that she was known for being Paris Hilton’s best friend, for partying and for getting a DUI. Richie pled guilty and received a four day jail sentence, of which she served less than an hour and a half before being released. Richie got jail time because it was actually her second DUI – she had another one four years prior. Richie has since said that being a mom made her realize that she could have killed someone and that she decided to be a better person for her daughter (she had just one child when she said that, she and Joel Madden now have two).
So that’s why I’m side eyeing Richie’s new essay for Lena Dunham’s Lenny newsletter. Richie makes the dubious argument that she’s not ashamed of her past, that it made her who she is and that “I’m not going to apologize for me so you can get your triumphant ending.” Wow. I guess people say a lot of dumb stuff to her in public about how she used to be so wild, but still.
With my family and close friends, I am owning my past, relishing in the absurdity, slightly flinching at my own naïveté, and giving myself props for the unabashed bravery that streaked through my youth. But not trying to hide from it, not trying to change it, just allowing it to help propel me forward.
When I am out in the world naked and vulnerable, I acknowledge that I was young, had a lot of freedom, and made some “bad decisions” … but how bad are they if it’s part of a journey to understanding who I am and what I stand for? I feel the need to support women loving themselves. It’s by loving ourselves that we give permission to others to love us. Life is a roller coaster, and we all have had times where we need to get back on the up, but we can’t do it alone. We need each other’s love and support.
I finally realized that taking on someone else’s vision of you can be very dangerous. People attempt to categorize and label so they can feel upright and comfortable. If you are hard to understand, they don’t feel safe, so they put you in a box that they recognize. I cannot tell you how easy it is to believe someone else’s picture of you. Is it because it’s easier to be agreeable? Partly. Is it because of laziness? Partly.
It is no secret that I have, at times, taken advantage of my time on this planet. And as much as I have to look at those moments and learn from them, as we all do, it’s important for me to have gratitude for that time, too. Not shame. Being ashamed of your life is not OK. I realized I am actually extremely thankful I was so beastly in front of the world for a few reasons. It’s so bad in people’s minds that there’s nothing that can embarrass me now. I got a little surprise gift of freedom! I also truly believe if I didn’t have so many eyes on me, it would’ve been easier for me to slip back into my reckless behavior. I had people rooting me on and watching me at a time when I needed that.
Mostly, the utter freedom I experience from having all of my past out in the open allows me to truly accept and embrace my former self, allowing her and every subsequent version of me to know that we are going to be OK, because we are not static. And I don’t have to worry someone is going to put an embarrassing picture up on Facebook — the worst is already in strangers’ heads. How cool is that?!
I could fall into the role-playing that some people seem to want and say, “YES! I am so sorry. I was bad. I am good now! I promise.” But I don’t believe in that story of redemption, a good-prevailing-over-evil story. It’s one I’m just not in. I am not going to apologize for being me so you can get your triumphant ending. I don’t believe the world operates in absolutes, in black and white and short and tall — I like living in the gray, in the medium.
That’s because all of these things I learned by being me in my teens and twenties are just more tools that allow me to live in a more peaceful, safe way. The simple yet difficult act of forgiving yourself is so powerful, because it’s all within you. We have to embrace ourselves and hold every part of our journey in some type of light. Instead of reliving my past as a point of shame, I’ve embedded the lessons into my skill set.
What happened to her realization that little kids and innocent people get killed by drunk drivers every day? She was so high she was driving the wrong way on the freeway! This isn’t a harmless thing she did and she has two DUIs, not just one. I get that she wants to own her past and that she’s protective of her identity on her own terms, but there’s something to be said for being humble and accepting responsibility. I did some really dumb sh-t when I was in my teens and 20s and I’m ashamed of that. You can be both secure in who you are and how you define yourself, realize that it helped shape you and be ashamed of your past, when you could have killed yourself or others. I thought that’s how Nicole framed it until I read this essay. It’s like she’s saying she admires her old devil-may-care self instead of admitting she was wrong.
photos credit: FameFlynet, WENN and Pacific Coast News
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